i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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