I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
