you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Randomize
