i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
