I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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