He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I did not marry a roomba.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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