Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
