I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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