Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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