i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize