yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
