Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
