Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
