Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
