why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
