I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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