It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
