that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
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pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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