They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
that may or may not have been my penis.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
