my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
