Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
