If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
