i need an iv and a liver transplant
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
