Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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