Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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