bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Pooping to opera.
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