I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
