I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
my liver is dry heaving
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
