I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
