I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
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You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
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I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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