Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Randomize
