His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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