You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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