Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
