If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
