dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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