I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
