just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
