life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
