My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
