I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
