But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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