how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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