no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
