I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
