In America we eat man semen.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
