You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My bed smells like the plague
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
