There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
