I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
