I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
