Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
