proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
