my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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