if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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