Dude my mom stole all your condoms
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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