I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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