I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
you didnt know i had herpes?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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