i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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