I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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