I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
